My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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