My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
