I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
