If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
