Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
