I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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