I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
