Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
