Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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