i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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