Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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