I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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