I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
