I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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