Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Randomize
