I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
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