Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
