I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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