it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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