THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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