Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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