I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
