When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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