he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize