So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
