Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
