As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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