He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
