Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
