Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
