haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I will die if light touches me.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize