how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
