You can't special order awesome
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
