Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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