hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
time to smoke my breakfast
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
