That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize