Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He passed out mid-signature
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
