This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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