Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
