Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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