Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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