shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
