woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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