Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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