All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
