I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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