I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
