You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
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