He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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