I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Randomize