let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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