Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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