I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
