I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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