I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
