After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
