This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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