So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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