why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
